I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you