To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often