[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.