Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.