Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.