I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move