but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish