Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You Might Also Like
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Duck typos.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*