We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.