I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
there has never been a better use of this meme
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.