[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
somewhere, in an alternate universe
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”