Butt weight. There’s more!
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Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.