I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.