A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?