Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Best spoiler warning ever
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Basketball games are very squeaky.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Who knew!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.