Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator