My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
<- sleeps well with others
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
checking out some reviews of my local library
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
absolutely not
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.