My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
good for her
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money