The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.