Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.