don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche