News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
You Might Also Like
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.