I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
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HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
This January has 47 Mondays
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat