*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
You Might Also Like
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day