Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.