My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.