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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.