That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
You Might Also Like
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.