Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
📽️movie date🎞️
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”