[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
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Me if I was a dog
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.