After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.