Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.