One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.