How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
stand with me against insufficient seating
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.