You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
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how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire