If this doesn鈥檛 sum up England nothing will 馃槀馃槀 #snow #weather #uk
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
WIFE: what鈥檚 going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven鈥檛 had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he鈥檚 a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she鈥檚 a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he鈥檚 a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If you don鈥檛 have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
How do you tell someone you鈥檙e the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
The internet is undefeated.. 馃槀
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?