Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.