Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?