Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Not today.. 😂
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄