wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal