It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.