me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”