Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Who.
Did.
This?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I have never related to anyone more.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.