People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.