Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Any refunds available?…
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.