70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I can’t be the only one 😂
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.