How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
🏙👨🏼
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
crazy
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt