My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.