My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Not all heroes wear capes.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Waiting for the Charmin
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.