new record!
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
yall want some gasoline milk
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.